Thursday, March 4, 2010

Overcoming the Judgment of others

Yesterday we discussed judging or stereotyping others. So what happens when you're the one who feels judged. What is your reaction to this situation? Do you attack the person judging you? Do you stay quiet and just allow this judgment to be passed even if you believe it's not true?

One of the first things I ever learned in business is that if you make someone feel like they are being attacked they will only become defensive. This defensive behavior makes progress in any discussion almost impossible. There are ways & techniques around this situation but the bottom line is that when we feel attacked we become defensive.

Outside of business the same statement is true. So if you feel you've been judged, especially when that judgment isn't true, realize that your first reaction will be defensive. Understanding this can help you move beyond the judgment being placed on you. This defensive reaction is our EGO talking to us. Remember that the EGO is always the first to the party & reacting from a place of EGO can almost always lead to greater problems.

So how should you react? I think the answer to this depends on the situation. Beyond your natural reaction of defense realize that who you're with & what the situation is will take precedence over your reaction. (You never want to escalate a situation when you don't feel safe)

I learned, in my life, that the best reaction to feeling judged is time. Take a deep breath move beyond your EGO & into your center. Try & understand where this person is coming from. Also realize that we reflect back to ourselves our biggest fears, so the reason this judgment may hurt is because there is some truth in what is being said or least you fear that there's some truth in it.

My next step is to try & take a measured response. I do this by telling the person that the comment they said hurt me & I ask them to explain why they feel the way they do. A true discussion can be very enlightening. You may learn more about yourself & the other person. This discussion may have to wait if you can't control your defensive reaction because responding when angry can escalate the situation.

When I am unable to have a discussion with the other person/people involved (because of safety or logistics or my defensive reaction) I try to understand & reflect on what has been said. This is true even when the comment is truly hurtful or mean spirited.

The way for each us to grow beyond where we are at in our life is to try & learn from any situation we encounter in life. God/universe has a way of throwing situations at us to help us learn what we need to learn to move on. Being judged unfairly is one of those learning situations. Open your heart to the love we all have inside of us. Understand that rude or unkind comments from another may be their way of trying to find the love they are missing in their life. People react from their own programming, this isn't a justification, it's just a fact of life. In order to grow & help the world to become a better place we have to move beyond the hate & judgment of others & become an example of love for the world to see.

Till Monday, have a wonderful weekend.


Quote of the day:"Let go of the judgment others place on you. Discover the love you have inside & radiate that love into the world"

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The Equestrian Team said...

In my world, we call this over-personalizing what is being said to us (hence causing a feeling of feeling judged). We must examine ourselves where our own truths about our sould are and believe it. Once we believe what we are and stand firm on that, that feeling of being judged will most likely disappear. This is the hardest thing to do and for the long haul. We let ourselves and our soul care sag some...and we take a step backward. The challenge is to keep up with ourselves and our truths, know when to hold ourselves accountable so when others TRY to do the same, we can peacefully say, "You know... I will consider that. Thanks for telling me so." Nicely done!

Timberwolf123 said...

I agree that you should always look within before you look outside to try & understand something but there are times when someone is clearly judge by another & even if you're good with who you are it can hurt. Moving beyond the EGO & trying to learn from the experience is always the best in my opinion.



Mattias Kroon said...

There are many aspects of this and it isn´t always so simple.If your conscience is pure and you shouldn´t have a bad either one can ask what motive the other person has.If the motive is right you should listen slightly, but if the motive is wrong, you should let it be, that is my opinion.Examine our heart, yes, but also check out the motives in the situation.And in fact, the truth when it is the truth use to set people free and not enslave even more and not at all put one more burden on them.

Sweetness said...

Bill, I agree it's requires going beyond one's ego when you are judged and especially, when it is untrue. I have encountered it a number of times and have mostly gone defensive, in some cases, because of some truth behind those words and in many others, a hurt ego. However, with practice, I'm sure I will deal better when in such a situation again.
Your writings truly help me to reflect on my own behaviour! Thank you so much Bill!

Anonymous said...

In my experience, there is usually irony in those who are the most judgmental,in that they tend to be the worst offenders of what it is they are being judgmental about, they project onto others what it is they are most guilty of themselves.


Frank C. said...

One of the most important things a preacher ever said to me was, "Your opinion of me is none of my business." [It was in a Sunday school class meeting and our church was in the throws of internal strife caused by the proverbial "split" in the parish. Half of our congregation supported the pastor and half wanted him gone.]
So, it was in that context that he helped us realize that what other people think of us isn't so important, especially if they are wrong. I've thought about this a lot and tried to employ that attitude when confronted with what amounts to disrespect.
Some people aren't going to change their opinion no matter what, so why worry about it. BTW, Bob and I supported him.

Canyn said...

So many good points, here, Bill. Yes, every criticism deserves to be looked at for learning purposes. That's what I aspire to do in those cases. It is good if the reflection can come before the reaction! That tones my reaction down. I've had a lifetime of criticism and unsolicited advice. Don't know why, just my lot I suppose. (Maybe because I'm humble and have a baby face.)I don't often get hurt by it anymore, so I just point out to the offender that they seem to not care if they hurt me. It usually shocks the offender-takes the wind out of their sails, so to speak. One response I use regularly is, "I can see that you don't think I know what I am doing." It's possible that people just say things without realizing what they are really saying. I agree with Aine, too. People seem to focus on their own weaknesses in other people. What a great post, Dear Friend. You always get us thinking.